poem, poetry, Relationships, Uncategorized

Running Away

runningaway2

Credit – Google Images

 If we had known

That running away was just the same

As staying, we would have prayed.

We would have prayed for guidance

 

But we did not know

And so we packed hurriedly

Grabbed all we could take

Believing that there was not enough time

 

Thoughts of the ogre left behind

At the bottom of the bed

Filled us with a courage not felt before

 

But we now know

That wherever we go the ogre follows

Until we slay him.

If only we had known.

~ Marie – 2018

 

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Running Away”

  1. I cannot take myself back to the horrors of my past – quite literally, I am incapable of doing so. Because I chose not to let the past define me, the ogre was slain. Just like that. Oh – well, sort of. It took a couple of decades, at least. But I did it 😉 Now that past is almost like another lifetime. It’s great to be free. ❤

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    • Thanks Bela for sharing. I know you had a really hard time of it and I’m so happy to hear that you were eventually able to slay the ogre and move on. For myself, once I got away from my ogre, I thought life would be just wonderful. But it wasn’t. It’s taken me another lifetime to overcome the trauma/horror. You can’t just get over it because what you think you’ve left behind comes with you until you face up to it and deal with it.
      Funnily enough, the inspiration for this poem came from the constant drilling next door from my neighbours doing house improvements. I sold up a few years back to get away from one set of neighbours who were drilling, it seemed like night and day, to find another set of neighbours doing the same thing. Moved away from there to more building work – more drilling. lol So it seems no matter how much I run away from something, it always seems to find me.
      Good to know that you’re enjoying your freedom dear Bela. ❤

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      • Marie, it feels like you’ve really hit on a zen moment here – and you are exactly right, in my humble opinion. What we avoid keeps coming home to roost. (Or ‘what we resist, persists’). As for me, my fear and avoidance of confrontation were obvious, and I began to confront what I disliked early on. I was, in fact, forced to do this to save my soul. My father was my teacher in that regard. With him, I was unable to avoid it – he was a hot tempered abusive man. And if I didn’t stand up to him, I didn’t stand a chance. He was seeking victims, and I refused to bow to that, though how it felt in my body was like someone had cut me off from the waist-down. It completely unearthed me, right until our last confrontation a few years before he died.

        So yes, it took many years to find a measure of peace and to experience that. But at times I also feel a strange undercurrent of fear, a background trembling that I call existential angst. Though I’m not sure everyone feels it, so it might have something to do with lifetime PTSD as a result. I know you understand that.

        Big hugs, Marie – hope you enjoy your weekend! No drilling! (And wtf are they drilling FOR?!) xoxo ❤

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      • Ha ha ha to wtf are they drilling for? Whatever it is, I plainly haven’t got the message yet! Perhaps I need to live in a detached house in the middle of nowhere!! lol
        And yes of course I understand the more profound parts of your comment. Strange how abusive fathers affect different people, isn’t it? You became confrontational at a young age, and I became confrontational well into my 50s – before that I was still the lost little girl not even aware that I could stand up to him. I remember at 36 years old celebrating my parents 36th wedding anniversary. I have a photo of both myself and my mother looking (I hate to say it) adoringly at my father who had completely ruined our lives. Funny how you just get caught up in a way of ‘being’ until somehow the spell is broken. Looking back, I realise the power of control – but when you are being controlled, you seldom realise what is happening.
        Anyway, at least that’s all in the past (largely), and although I still feel the fear, I am able to reassure myself that it isn’t something I need to be afraid of. It takes time un-learning fear.
        Bela, it’s been a joy chatting as it always is. Have a peaceful forever …:)❤❤

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      • A peaceful forever. That sounds, um, amazing! 😀 You too! :DDD

        I don’t know that I ever looked adoringly at my father – I knew from a very early age that he was dangerous and I shut my energies down for many years – incuding my sexuality – in order not to be a victim to any man, including him. You can see this in photos of me – I wouldn’t even look at the camera for many years. Head down. I’m not here. Though I was always up for ‘doing’ stuff with him, because he did stuff I really loved to do – camping, hiking, fishing in the ocean or the lakes, listening to opera, classical music, working with his hands in his shop. But he creeped me out, and I was always on guard. I didn’t know how to relax until probably my 40’s sometime. And I should say I moved 3500 miles away from family when I was 18. There was that.

        As for unlearning fear, not sure it completely goes away, because there is, after all, existential angst which is the fear of ‘being no more,’ as we all know we shall be, one day. And not knowing when. This is surely not something I dwell upon, however. I’m pretty stoked every day to greet what comes.

        As for control, again I learned early on somehow that I could only be controlled if I allowed it. My dad would threaten me with cutting me out of his will and I just said, ‘DO it! I don’t want your money! My soul is not for sale!’ All the time shaking like a leaf. But that was who I was and how I survived. And truly, I am NOT for sale – never been with a man for money or security. Only love. Three marriages that way – HA!! The last one stuck because he was a good friend first. Which speaks well to our 26 years and counting. Life! What’cha gonna do!? I got lucky. I swear that has SO much to do with it. ❤ ❤ ❤

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      • Thanks for sharing dear Bela. You know I could chat forever with you – there is so much (to a certain extent) that we have in common although I think you are much, much braver than I am and so single-minded too! I could never dream of standing up to my father – indeed, when I finally ‘confronted’ him with past issues, it was from a very safe distance – I put pen to paper – and to this day, he does not know where I live. Even writing the letters, my heart was thumping and hand shaking – that’s how much he terrified me!
        And I never married – I was put off marriage from a very young age – I couldn’t take the risk of ending up with someone like my father. You’re so brave to have done it 3 times!!! And I’m so happy for you that the last one is the kind of partnership that makes you feel fulfilled.
        Mind you, no one has ever proposed to me – so I didn’t have to turn down anyone! LOL!!!
        We choose our lives, I’m told – Bela, what were you and I thinking??? hahaha ❤ ❤ ❤

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      • What, indeed, sweet Marie?! I do know the shaking you speak of – SO well. And yes, we must simply be constitutionally different. I just wasn’t going to let anyone run me over if I could help it. After leaving home, I thought yes. This is MY life now. And so it has been.

        Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate them. And anytime you need a crash course in courage, do come and visit 😉 I would love to meet you. ❤

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  3. Poignant thoughts beautifully put Marie: What you say is so true. Until we learn the lesson, whatever that lesson is, it continues to plague us, getting more in our faces with each incarnation. But once overcome, we can enjoy a little slice of peace. In love and light Cheryle

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